The Alana James Story
Written by Alana James.
I was exposed to sex at a young age, and I’ve gone through a lot of different forms of abuse my entire life. But, I believe that it’s not what you go through that defines you, it’s who you choose to become as result of the pain!
When I was young my father was abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. My mother protected me when she could but she was an alcoholic and could also be abusive at times, especially when I became a teenager. At times, it was as if she became jealous of me and stopped caring. The physical abuse got so bad I would run away into unsafe environments. Finally, I told on my father for the sexual abuse because I did not want my younger siblings to go through what I went through. Really, I just wanted my father to get help, not receive punishment. As a result, I was put in the system and became a child of the state. I’ve been on my own since the age of 14, and now I’m in my twenties.
Sexual trauma has threatened to run my life. I can only think of sex, even when I am trying to do and think of non-sexual things. Growing up, I was so promiscuous that I would use sex to survive and eventually became an escort. The escorting world is a different kind of hell not a lot of woman will ever know, fortunately. I tried modeling and acting but got scammed a lot by sleaze balls. I am tired of manipulative people and can see right through them. Every day I work as an escort I am in danger but I don’t want to struggle or go back to my abusive ex-boyfriend who was my only family for so long.
I have had three boyfriends and they have all been severely abusive. Moving around so much all my life has caused me to cross paths with bad people as well. I got caught up in the drug scene, attacked by men, robbed four times (including two times at gun point), witnessed a shooting, and was raped multiple times. I suppose having a boyfriend makes me feel safe, but it’s not a good reason to have one. My last relationship lasted for nine years, and I still visit him because we went through so much history even though he is abusive. I hope one day my past will not alter how people – especially men – treat me in the future, but for now I am surviving. I am working so I can have a better life. I am not proud of what I am doing, but I need and deserve a better life. I have been through too much to stop now.
Sometimes I do wonder if sexual trauma will haunt me forever, but then I remember that I just have to learn to make a lot of good, new memories to overpower the nightmares. I do believe that from the ugliness and darkness, beauty can overpower all of that and shine bright. I hope to one day let my past go; the memories may always be there, but there are more positive opportunities and adventures waiting in the future. Everything I’ve been through has made me who I am today. I have a big heart, I’m strong, and I have a magical spirit that refuses to break regardless of the many who have tried to break it.
I look forward, not in my past, and I’m excited for what’s to come: The unknown.
If you or someone you know has been sexually abused, please visit Peaceful Hearts Foundation.
For help regarding domestic violence, please visit The Hotline
For help regarding how to get out of escorting, please visit Women’s Law
If you or someone you know has been a victim of rape, please visit RAINN